The Horror Virgin

“If you were a singing telegram giving this much, you’ll be promoted to manager immediately.”This week’s scariest movie is... Clue. This film has everything: Mandela endings, dog-shit shoe ch...

“Don’t you want to be friends with Terry Apple?”This week’s scariest movie is... Strange Harvest. This film has everything: bargain-bin Mario Kart Characters, Dunder Mifflin homicide energy, ...

“You don’t eat critter veal, you monster.”This week’s scariest movie is... Critters. This film has everything: plot-farming dads, after-hours church, And cozy Baron Harkonnen cosplay. If you ...

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this. It’s a genius plan.”This week’s scariest movie is... Snakes on a Plane. This film has everything: Mouth razors, reheated snake leftovers, and a sequel ...

“Who produced this? The mob." This week’s scariest movie is... The Final Destination (2009). This film has everything: Hubcapped halved hillbillies, 4th floor hot tubs, and struggling to pay ...

“This is like, if Ron Hubbard walked outside to an alien abduction"This week’s scariest movie is... 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. This film has everything: Wine Drunk Confessions, a clinic...

“Apparently a bunch of people make cock and ball necklaces now” This week’s scariest movie is... Scary Movie 2. This film has everything: A horny ghost hookup, dirty talk confessions, And Tor...

"Dying under Kevin Bacon. There's got to be worse ways to go."This week’s scariest movie is... Friday the 13th. This film has everything: kitchen mugs getting burned, pregnant Purple mattress...

“He has the trigger discipline of someone who only got a $50,000 signing bonus"This week’s scariest movie is... Him. This film has everything: NFL-wife Gwyneth Paltrow energy, Poop Math, And ...

"It's like pre grave robbing. It's all the grave robbing. But no diggity"This week’s scariest movie is... Tales from the Hood. This film has everything: a Ded Talk, tiny little footsteps, And...

"I think you and I would get hosed down trying to walk up that fucking hill."This week’s scariest movie is... The Long Walk. This film has everything: Stebbins sneezes, out of context Spotify...

All you have to do is provide 90s rapper level bling and food."This week's scariest movie is... 28 Years Later. This film has everything: Edgar Allan Poe boys, the freshest skulls you'll ever...

“I just wish it wasn’t the grapefruit method"This week's scariest movie is... Bring Her Back. This film has everything: a sexy and shirtless Jesus digging up the dead, a 10 year old that can'...

"We named the dog Indy."This week's scariest movie is... Good Boy. This film has everything: Pausing for paws. WW1 pilots. And playing fetch till your arm falls off. If you love kibble noodle...

"Worst. Criss. Angel. Magic trick. Ever."This week's scariest movie is... The Conjuring Last Rites. This film has everything: Egg Whites. Science Romeos. And Realty recommendations that you s...

"Keep our hot cocoa hot and our ankles unclaimed."The Horror Virgin: This week's scariest movie is... Krampus. This film has everything: Snow Huluds,. Mouths agape, and proof the cocaine must...

“Olivia Colman, calm down.”This week's scariest movie is... Hot Fuzz. This film has everything: Ocular patdowns. A loose swan. And a the most charming bond to walk the earth. If you love budd...

“Camp becomes like a frozen purgatorial church retreat.”This week’s scariest movie is… The Black Phone 2. This film has everything: the real Miracle on Ice, Tommy Tutone, and yet another fran...

“You got ghosts in your blood, take cocaine about it.”This week’s scariest movie is… Frankenstein. This film has everything: A 7-foot Adonis Smurf, a classic “He said/He Said,” and an episode...

“I hereby sentence you to adventure.”This week’s fog-soaked headless whodunit is... Sleepy Hollow (1999). This film has everything: CSI:1799. Turn in your wood badge and your musket. And The ...

“this is I Know What You Did Last Summer, but with Turkey.”This week’s most carved-up holiday horror movie is... Thanksgiving (With Special Guest Joe Kay!!!!). This film has everything: New h...

“He’s hanging by his junk... his stomach junk, not his testicle junk.”This week’s grimiest outbreak horror movie is... Blood Quantum. This film has everything: a bridge-top poop drop, an unde...

“It was the best of tits. It was the worst of tits.”This week’s most insane horror movie is... ThanksKilling. This film has everything: savory flavored condoms, Terrible depictions of the fa...

Happy Halloween HV Fam!!! Since a lot of you have been asking for this episode, we thought it might be nice for you all to hear our thoughts on Crimson Peak!!! -Todd“He’s the worst ophthalm...

“Tommy Doyle could have just gone to therapy, but we’re glad he didn’t.”This week’s scariest horror movie is... Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. This film has everything: children wield...

“It’s like an angsty teenager blew up because it was forced to shower.”This week’s scariest listener request movie is... Alien 3. This film has everything: A soon to be star director getting ...

“You might say those two guys have a hand job.”This week’s scariest meta movie is... Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. This film has everything: a murderous Thing hand, terrible sex toy suggestions...

“I don’t remember A Bug’s Life having this much religion in it.”This week’s scariest horror movie is... Exorcist II: The Heretic. This film has everything: a locust DJ, a shaman/scientist in ...

“All I saw was a feel-good film about an aunt who loved her nephew so much she’d stop at nothing to plan a sleepover for him.”This week’s most chaotic PTA-nightmare horror movie is... Weapons...

This week’s wiggiest horror movie is... Van Helsing.This film has everything: a wig that out-monsters the monsters, an electrical Wonka, And a that might be having a little bit too much fun. ...

“This is the first time that Nicolas Cage has ever been stopped by a circle of cocaine.”This week’s nastiest toxic-boss horror movie is… Renfield. This film has everything: Corporate Dracula,...

“He is just shipping himself with snacks.”This week’s bougiest coffin-cruise horror movie is… The Last Voyage of the Demeter. This film has everything: a vampire who mails himself across Euro...

“This is why we shouldn’t have made women wear corsets.”This week’s prettiest fever dream is… Nosferatu. This film has everything: a naked blood-circle fax machine. Some of the absolute worst...

“My dick is encased in wax. It’s the ultimate condom.”This week’s horniest fire hazard of a horror movie is House of Wax. This film has everything: wax-on-wax violence, Quentin Tarantino’s ev...

“He’s wearing more flair than an Applebee’s assistant manager"This week’s hungriest horror movie is… Bones and All. This film has everything: A Donkey-Kong victory dance to a KISS tune, Ethic...

“I’m just impressed by the loyalty of the Funky Bunch.”This week’s most unhinged horror-thriller is… Fear. This film has everything: the unwavering loyalty of the Funky Bunch, the death of a ...

"You're the hottest person at your college and dumb enough to get kidnapped."This week’s most scariest horror movie is I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. This film has everything: Jamiroq...

“If turtles are flightless birds, is lasagna a cake?”This week’s most requested horror movie is Willy’s Wonderland. This film has everything: A silent janitor with zero follow-up questions. A...

“That necklace should only be viewed through a hand mirror.”This week’s scariest horror movie is What Lies Beneath. This film has everything: ghost girls with boundary issues, true crime witc...

“I would stay in a dumpster overnight with you.”This week’s all-too-real horror movie is The Purge: Anarchy. This film has everything: Dumpster survival strategies, rich psychos in cocktail a...

“If your daughter’s in a drawer, it’s too late.”This week’s horniest horror movie is… Silent Hill. This film has everything: A giant sexy demon that just can't wait to rip everything off you....

"It's only car chase I can describe as dialogue-heavy."This week’s scariest movie is... Death Proof. This film has everything: A scar that somehow makes it hotter that he’s murdering you, foo...

"Is this just Fight Club in the 80s?"This week’s most unhinged highway horror is The Hitcher (1986). This film has everything: Gas station explosions, Tyler Durden cosplay, and a Swedish-Amer...

"Have you never had a boba pee?"This week’s scariest road trip movie is... Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This film has everything: A reality show where the prize is dying first. A muscle-bound hos...

This week’s scariest movie is... Friday the 13th (2009). This film has everything: an underground tunnel empire straight out of Gummy Bears, using a machete to hack away at a public library k...

“It’s an R&B Blade.”This week’s coolest horror movie is... Sinners. This film has everything: A team up so legend Nick Fury would be jealous, Uncles reminding the nephew to eat, and both ...

“The monkey is basically Tommy Lee, and I'm sick of pretending not to notice.”This week’s most unhinged horror movie is... The Monkey. This film has everything: An electric detonation, A stri...

“He's made of knife.” This week’s slimiest horror movie is... Terminator 2: Judgment Day. This film has everything: a corrupted Windows version of Gollum, a reality where John Connor skips le...

"Psytopics is like R&B Dianetics."This week’s most unapologetically anti-fascist horror movie is... Freaky Tales. This film has everything: A Scott Pilgrim-style street brawl between punk...

“You have the right to remain charming. Anything you say can and will be used to make me blush.”This week’s most romantically unhinged horror movie is... Heart Eyes. This film has everything:...